Apparently, they didn't hate me...

Today we got an invite to a play party.

hmmm...

I'm a fucking mess. A nervous ball of energy, anticipation and sheer anxiousness roll through my insides each time I try to think of it. I'm sure I'll screw up, stick out, be...wrong.

But I want to try. I've stuffed all this so far down for so long, it's starting to swell inside me. I have this amazing hubby beside me who isn't just supporting me, he's exploring on his own.

It looks like "here we go" time...but all I can figure out is that I'm terrified he'll find his way, and then find I'm not enough. That all the things I was told so long ago, were the truth and not phrases said to just manipulate and belittle. That when I left this lifestyle, it was because I couldn't do it, not because I had done it wrong. I want so much to try this again and get it right this time, but I feel like I'm at a starting line and I'm afraid to move. But now we're moving, like it or not...

Ready. Set. Go.

My first Munch

So the Hubby has been attending munches and events in the local scene for a month or so now, and seems to be making friends and enjoying himself. I kept telling him that when he showed up as a single guy, and said he was married and his wife was okay with all this, it would raise a flag or two. That eventually I would have to crawl out of my socially awkward shell, and meet some people to affirm his story. Last night was that night. I think I changed outfits 8 times, and still ended up hating what I was wearing. I'm totally not used to this new body yet. But I did it. I'm sure I was extremely quiet and shy and looked like I was about to pass out most of the night, but I did it. Little do these people know what the Hubby has unleashed on them should they choose to get to know me.

In the end...I'm pretty sure they didn't hate me, and I think I'd like to go back.