Emotional Ownership

I was lucky enough to spend part of Christmas Eve soaking in a hot bath, reading. Book of choice, “The Ethical Slut”. It’s been an amazing, eye opening read. I went back tonight to read a section that’s been weighing on my mind. I had given it a lot of thought, and wanted the words to run fresh through my head so I could lay back and think about them. Christmas Eve brought me a lot of clarity.

I have always disliked it intensely when someone has apologized for “hurting me”. I’m speaking emotional hurt here, not physical. I could never pinpoint why, but it was always one of those phrases that made the hair on the back of my neck stand up, and something I brushed off quickly with a “Don’t worry about it.” response. I always previously thought that this was because I hate appearing vulnerable. I’m rethinking that now. Now I think I hate feeling powerless.
I own my emotions. More than just owning them, I am fiercely protective of my right to own them. The minute someone tries to take my ownership…that annoys me.

“I’m sorry I hurt you.”

That phrase takes all the power and all the ownership and gives it to the person saying it. It removes the power and ownership from the person that feels hurt. Yes, sometimes it might feel easier to blame someone else when you feel hurt. The reality is though, if you blame them, they own it. If they own it, they are the only ones who can fix it. I prefer to have the ownership in my own hands, and find a way to fix it. Own my experience, own my emotions and find out a way to fix them. That’s where power is for me.

Recently I was discussing an experience where I felt hurt with some friends. They were continually bringing the other person in the experience into the discussion. It pissed me off to no end. I kept saying, “This is not about THEM…this is about ME.” I explained it to them that it was no longer about anyone but me, and my processing of the experience, and how I now had the right to make changes so that I could repeat, or not repeat that experience. I think a better explanation now though is that I get to own my emotions, because that is what gives me the most power. (We all know how I like power right?)

Understanding my ownership of my emotions is a great thing. It helps me realize why phrases like “I’m sorry I hurt you” annoy me. It also means I can realize that sometimes I take my emotional ownership too far. I own them to the point of thinking that they are ONLY mine. Emotional ownership is fine, healthy even, but, I’ll admit I take it to the extreme. Everything is mine, mine, mine. Mine to own, to deal with, to reconcile, and to solve…usually alone. I’m also perfectly willing to try and own other people’s emotions, and frequently have been/should be told to mind my own business. I need to learn that owning my own emotions doesn’t mean I have to deal with them alone, and that emotional ownership needs to stop with my emotions…that other people get to mind their emotions and own them as well.
Harder than it sounds.